How to have a political discussion in 2020

With the both highly anticipated and perhaps equally dreaded election around the corner, it’s time we all learn how to talk to folks on the other side of the political spectrum. We, the co-authors, tend to be on the opposite side of almost every political or social argument. Despite similar backgrounds, interests, and socioeconomic statuses — we rarely look at any event or issue the same way. Many folks in similar friendships have opted to avoid the topics of contention. We don’t. Instead, we often seek them out. As a result, we’ve both become better informed and built a deeper friendship. We thought it would be helpful to share what we’ve learned about having political discussions in 2020.

Pre-Qualifications:

First do some honest self-evaluation. Do you have an informed opinion on a divisive issue, but can fairly summarize the opinion of the other side? If the answer is “yes,” you are ready to start our 8-Step process below. If the answer is “no,” you might want to read, reflect, and come back to us.

Step 1: Partner with someone you both respect and with whom you disagree.

Notice we said “partner,” not “enemy combatant,” this isn’t a battle or even a debate — it’s a discussion. If you can’t find someone who meets both criteria or find yourself engaged in a debate with a stranger, stop. Find something that humanizes that person. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that people who disagree with you are less human than you are.

Step 2: Determine a specific topic — and stick to it.

We matrix so many issues today that conversation can unproductively veer off topic. . If you want to make progress, take small steps and resolve differences in small spaces, in order to move forward to more valuable, contested grounds.

Step 3: Set an intention.

What’s the purpose of this discussion? To understand the other side better? To find gaps in your own position? Or our favorite — to get to a better truth. Regardless, find an intention and stick to it.

Note: the following are “banned” intentions: to win, to prove you’re smarter, to validate your own ideas. Be wary of setting an intention to “convince the other side.” If you’re trying to convince your partner, you won’t be listening with both ears open. If you’re entering into an honest, open conversation, YOU are willing to be swayed.

Step 4: Find a place.

Try to discuss in public, booze is allowed but not too much.

Step 5: Assume good intentions.

Assume the other person truly believes what he or she is saying. Assume that they believe it because they think it’s is right. You can be critical of their ideas and can point out problems in their logic. If you hear something sexist, racist, unpatriotic, or offensive — understand that your partner’s words do not absolutely make them any of those things. If necessary, pause to point out something problematic and then get back to the original issue as soon as possible, you can have a second discussion later.

Step 6: Begin.

If you’ve followed the steps to this point, you’re well-prepared for a productive and respectful discussion — but we’ll admit, this is the toughest part. The best laid intentions of Dems and Repubs often go awry with the opening statements. Try and hold yourself to these rules

• Never attack the person. Discussions are about criticizing ideas, not people.
• Never interrupt. Present one idea at a time. This should be easier if you’ve both agreed to narrow the scope of the discussion.
• Beware of logic fallacies in your own argument. Check out the most common here.
• Listen. Don’t listen for a minute and then start constructing your next counter. Listen like you’ve never read or heard anything about this topic.
• Take pauses — slow down. Slowing down and taking pauses allows you to really process the ideas of your discussion partner. It also helps temper emotions and prevent charged and hyperbolic statements.
• Be honest. Conversations required a base amount of trust, be honest with your discussion partner and allow them to be honest with you.
• Be empathetic. Try to understand where they are coming from and why. Think about how your ideas or feelings on a topic may be different if you were in their shoes.
• Be humble — you, yes you, can be wrong.
• Don’t be overly sensitive — again, remember step 5 and assume their best intentions.
• Come back to the table. We always have more to learn, and we learn best from each other.

Step 7: Finish.

Circle back to your intention — did you accomplish it? If you set the right intentions and followed the rules you probably did. Do you want to know more? About the person or the ideas they have shared? Can you give an honest summary of the opposing position in a conversation with someone else who thinks your friend must be condemnable? Congrats, you’ve done it!

Step 8: Practice.

We have both noticed that the more we engage in these conversations with each other, following our rules, the more we want to engage with each other. Once you feel comfortable, try it with someone else, but remember everyone has to start back at Step 1 — productive conversations aren’t simply about your skills (or knowledge), but rather about the relationship between two people and the ideas that flow between.